| reborn |
[May. 19th, 2004|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | talking heads | ] |
i've decided not to end this journal on a down note. it's taken some time and some thinking, but i now have a plan, one already in action.
i have been reborn. this journal is dead. there is no reincarnating it. so i leave it behind as a reminder and as a watchful eye.
i have moved on.
come find me, if you dare. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2004|12:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
i have been reported, turned in if you will. my comments here were removed and given to someone they were not intented for. and it was one of you, perhaps, one of the people who are reading this very message now.
what hurts is the fact that i know you, you know me, and yet that made no difference.
it is my fault for posting specifics, for coming back in the first place.
i can no longer post here. you have defiled this very personal area for me. you have brought in your negative energy and poisoned me. you have killed it.
i do not like you |
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| "fiddler on the roof" |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|11:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
had my first music rehearsal yesterday, and tomorrow is the first read-thru. i suppose i'm looking forward to it. i'm feeling underprepaired. i don't have an accent, which i assume i'll need, didn't read the sourse material, don't really have research.
yeah, but it begins. |
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| no call-back |
[Feb. 15th, 2004|10:58 pm] |
artpark did not leave me a message requesting my presense tomorrow night.
didn't expect them to.
would have be nice, though |
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| an end and a beginning |
[Feb. 15th, 2004|10:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
"misanthrope" ended today. the show was uneventful, really. i played cards with nick, emma, and katie, like normal, made my enterence, and then waited for curtain call. it was good times.
from that i drove straight to my first "fiddler" rehearsal. it was a music rehearsal with nathan. an hour and 15 minutes. it wasn't bad, good really. first time i've worked with nathan. good guy, i guess. still confuses me, however.
from one show, to the next- the never-ending schedule continues. i guess it's a blessing. not all actors can say they work continuously. not that i'm getting paid for 'fiddler', but you know. |
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| auditions |
[Feb. 14th, 2004|12:56 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | 'goodbye, love- rent-- for some reason stuck in my head | ] |
for artpark. they went well. i sang, 'dance with me' and managed to do pretty well. i was happy. then george, the president of artpark or whatever, asked me if i had another song, something more..."mellow." i didn't. and thus is the reason i feel like a jack ass. yeah for me.
but then i remember i'm not going to get in anyway, and lalala...
so i guess it was good he wanted to hear more, but very bad i couldn't deliver. i hate learning lessons.
i didn't get called back to dance- surprise surprise! and vocal callbacks are monday night. i'm waiting on that. so yeah
and guess what- no one else got asked for another song. i was the test dummie. i was the first to audition, which i didn't mind- no one else wanted to go first. but no one else was asked for another. so i look like an ass, and all those following me, who didn't have a second song get off scott free. george has it in for me i guess- ha! he told me before the audition that he'd always see me as the farmer, from last summer. great! hahaha
so in other words- i've got a corner on the farmer roles at artpark now for the rest of my life.
score! |
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| valentine's day |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|02:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
i bought flowers for my mother today. white roses i think. it doesn't matter, because she likes them. of course. why wouldn't she.
i bought flowers for emma and katie too. gonna give them to them tonight. i feel a little "early" since tomorrow is valentine's day, but we are there all day, and the flowers might go dry or whatever. plus, flowers will be in mad demand tomorrow, and then there are the artpark auditions, which i don't even want to go to, being completely unprepaired and down about, but nevermind.
so i bought flowers and they all will like them. and that will sustain my "oh i'm loved" feelings for ten seconds more than a normal friday. but in the end, i'm not going to be thought of differently- i was sweet before and i remain that way- their eyes won't open and realize that they actually are madly in love with me (i should say that this would only be an option in my "wanting mind" if that happened to katie, since the others are emma and my mother)
i tell myself that i want someone to cuddle with, someone to hug and embrace, to hold hands, as stupid as that sounds. i tell others this when i express my want of a felame. but that's not true, not all of it. i'm a fucking guy, and i miss the kissing, groping, and all that goes along with relationships. and there's that evil word, relationship, that one one wants to hear, apparently, because that puts constraints in place, brings up complications, limits thiungs. goddamnit- it pisses me off, and i can't even figure it out. i want someone, for all the above, the holding and snuggling, as well as that heavier stuff- whenever that arrives. i miss it. but then there is my poor self-image issues. i have no confidents in my looks, because i really dislike the myself. it's a matter of weight. i look at myself and am so disappointed. i make promices and then break them. how many days can i say "i'll start tomorrow" before my brain begins to laugh and respond back, "yeah, sure"? i have no balls because i don't believe anyone would be attracted to me. i can't ask a girl out because i cannot see them thinking i'm something they would be interested in. it is a flaw, but one o doubt i'll ever get over. i stand around and watch as all the girls i am wrapped up in go and get snatched up by other guys. i loose my chance. and just when i make a promice to do something about it- i must ask her out- i must kiss her- i get all pussy-like and chicken out like a little shit.
so i'll be alone on valentine's day. ha! i wonder why. |
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| working is up |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|02:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
so i basically completed this data entry work i've been doing for a former co-worker of my mother's. this has been an prolonged amount of work, but it's done. i just e-mailed him the completed files, and around four i'm driving over to his house to drop off some paperwork and collect my money. yeah!
"misanthrope" ends this sunday. it's been a good time. there are some really great people in the show, and it's been nice getting to know them. i won't really have time to miss it, however, because "fiddler" starts the same day "misanthrope" ends. wowzer.
a friend of mine's girlfriend died this week, and i don't know how to approach it. on the one hand, i want to give him my respects, but on the other, i feel like maybe it is might be nice to have someone not acting different, just being the same. i don't know, really. i saw him walking up a flight of stairs the day i heard about the death, which was the day after it happened. he looked broken, head covers almost completely with the hood of his jacket. it was blue, if memory serves me. i said hello, and moved on. i was singing. i felt bad, but only for a second. he didn't know i knew. that was my cover. when i figured out i had a cover, i felt even worse.
what that has to do with work, i don't know. |
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| artpark auditions |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|11:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
so for valentine's day, i get to audition for artpark. i feel quite unprepared, and that sucks. they are doing 'a chorus line' and 'smokey joe's cafe.' i won't make the line, and when i talked to lynne about 'smokey,' she sounded very unenthused about casting me. that blows. she said, "you know, it's a pop music show. i'm looking for that pop singing sound." ie- jeff you sing more classically, so no no for you.
i don't know. i'm just feeling really down right now. i just got a song today- "dance with me" it's from the show. i'm getting the music copied from max tomorrow, but i won't have a chance to review it with a piano player before the audition. arg!
i liked working for artpark. it was money, and i was acting. that was always cool.
so i'm anticipating on auditioning for 'shakespeare in the park.' shitty money, but acting. my only issue with them is they seem too easily to cast all the students in those filler roles, with one or two lines. give me parts, man. yes, i'm full of myself. i've earned it. i can do it.
there really isn't anything esle to do over the summer, theater wise. and god i don't want to get a real job. i've never had a real job. grossness. |
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| wake me up inside |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|12:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gramy songs | ] |
i don't even know if those are the right words, but i just saw them on the gramy's.
so i watched the whole gramy's show because tom told me brittney speares was going to perform, and i'm a tool. she didn't, and i wasted like 4 hours. but there were a lot of really great performances. so i guess 'wasted' isn't right.
morrow's returned. our boys and gilrs from buffalo beat out the real irish folk in the irish competition. yeah b-lo! i got paid for house and dog sitting. more than i anticipated.
katie is wonderful and beautiful.
i talked to emma and ryan, well sat there and listened to them talk, for like three hours after this past sat's show at yaya's. i was there late. it was different for me.
talked to aimee this past week. she was having issues. it was the first time we really talked. it was nice. i don't think i really said anything useful, but you know.
i jusrt now, at 12:30 am called aimee because it's her birthday, fully expecting to leave a voice message, but she answered. and she was asleep. oh, well. i suck. but happy birthday, nonetheless.
so i never see my new, female best friend because we have like nothing togther. i miss her. she needs to be in my classes now.
valentine's day is upcoming, and no valentine for me yet. what else is new. sad smiley face here
just reread that last line i wrote. so pathetic. disavow it, please.
night all |
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| hallelujah |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|01:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'grace' jeff buckley | ] |
just got the jeff buckley cd, grace, after having heard very good things. listening to it right now.
also ordered "wicked," the new musical, because you can't be cool in the musical theater depart. if you haven't seen/heard this show. ha
also bought the writer's block, this book of ideas, random things to give you ideas for writing. i bought it for peter, and then realized i wanted one myself.
"misanthrope" is going well. my 30 seconds of stage time are rivoting!
i have a picture of laura in front of me. it's from "chamber music," and it is absolutely amazing. photography amazes me. i wish i could take pictures. anyway, the crush returns. she is beautiful. but i don't know her, and she can be two-faced, like everyone else in this world. and it's not really why i have her picture out. i have many out. my uncle gave me this picture frame that switches the picture. it can hold like 40 pictures. hers is just on top, and i don't want to change it, because it's so good.
i have so many pictures of me. and i like displaying them. is that wrong? i like them, i like how i look in them, character ones, regular ones, etc. am i conceited? full of my self? in love with myself? maybe, no, hopefully, oh boy.
right now, i'm writing for tim. not that he asked me, although he did like a month ago, but whatever. right now, i'm writing everything here, keeping in mind that he will be reading it, gearing it to his eyes, his brain, because he is the only person i personally know that still engages in this livejournal thing, pasttime. i don't expect him to say anything or anything like that- i just thought it odd that as i was writing, he was the image i was seeing as my audience.
i'm up right now because i'm really hoping i get im from someone, but i know i won't. and that sucks. she is on, arguing with someone or something. i told her i'd be on for the long haul tonight, and to im me. she won't. and that really sucks. there is nothing left. nothing on our friendship. we were so tight, then we began a physical relationship, then she broke contact, and now there is nothing. except the void that is within me. i hate this.
"hallelujah" is this song that jeff buckley sings. the first time i heard it was by danny korz. the only version i know is danny's. now i have jeff buckley's, and it is different, but still moving. it makes me feel funny. different.
jeff buckley reminds me of this guy who went to sjci. i never knew him, graduated much earlier than i did. pascal buckley. the name are the only similarities, but for some reason, i feel they are one and the same. and pascal buckley and i are strangly connected. can't explain, but there have been weird links i've discovered. so in essence, i feel linked to jeff buckley.
and he's dead.
i gave peter a writing assignment this semester. i am just so desperate to keep in contact with him somehow. so i gave him homework. he is to write something, anything- a sentence, paragraph, chapter, and then e-mail it to me, where i will pick up and continue the story. this will go back and forth several times. i think it's a good idea. hopefully it happens. i gave him the tital:
the ballad of peter and jeff
whatever that means.
well, it's official. she put up her away message. she's not im-ing me. the night is over. and i sigh. and i'm no longer writing for tim. how odd. |
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| holidays |
[Dec. 27th, 2003|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
i got a cell phone from my parents this christmas. totally unexpected. it's cool, i guess. i'm calling people left and right now. no one's calling me, but give it time. one day.
aimee is done. i've tried and i'm getting nothing. the persuit is over.
i'm thinking about returning to le metro tonight. time to see keri and mr. keven. oh boy oh boy |
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| 6 months is short in dog time |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
six months been away, and now i'm tired, reading everyone's journals, and my own, and getting all emotional over this crap. i can't breathe.
okay, so this end of the semester formal was last night, and it was fun to the nth degree. i never want to go to those things, and it always takes me forever to get in the mood once there. however, for the first time, there was alcohol to help move things along. it worked well.
i am in love-- well lust actually (lust both physically and mentally, 'mentally' meaning there are people i'm loving talking to right now, and then there's 'lust,' those i so just want to fuck). this formal didn't help those feelings. aimee is in my mind. i went and saw her at the miss lancaster pagent. she was 4th runner up, and i'm wrapped around her. it took all night, but i got a kiss out of her, one of those quick, not sure what i'm doing kisses. important thing is, she gave me the kiss. yeah!
then there is susan, this redheaded, freakeled sweet girl who has no interest in me at all, i believe, so i'm just admiring from afar. no kisses, but always huggs.
and erin. this is a girl from my mtdance class who i'd never heard speak till like the last two weeks of classes. she's great, full of energy and sweetness, and cute oh so cute. we were both nicely liquored up, and i got lots of kisses from her.
carissa is back, kind of. i need to call her, make sure she has a house. but we spent a whole evening at the salvation army looking for 'punk clothes' and flipping through old records. it was great.
jamie critelli- i am lost in her eyes and embrace. i want her on every level. she has a boyfriend, but i don't care. i want her in every way. kisses, but that's nothing new.
then there is random julia, this girl i met manning the art gallery at the cfa. after many five minute conversations, i finally went last saturday and hung out with her for an hour and a half. she's 25, and beautiful, but in a very different way. she shines, glows. she fill my thoughts.
so basically i'm totally horney and i have only myself to release that tension, which is fine, but i'd perfer assistance. and that sounds gross and mean, and i really don't need that kind of companionship. i want someone to hug, and know that they want to hug me just as much. i want someone to call me, want to go out with me. i want that feeling again.
sara and i are speaking, she is finally coming up to me and engaging me in conversation. it's nice. i really miss our friendship. i called her tonight and read her one of my posts from when we were dating. i just really wanted to talk to her. yes, i miss her.
i'm tevya in 'fiddler on the roof' next semester. i'm excitd, and very intimidatied. my first lead. i will be caring the show. oh the preasure.
'misanthrope' begins soon, and me with my 60 seconds stage time. let the fun begin.
i should post more, and continue posting. but i'm not going to. once things pick up again, this will fall by the waste side again, only to be picked up again in another 6 months when i'm feeling lonely late at night.
until then, this is jeffrey coyle
crying on the inside |
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| school's back forever |
[Aug. 24th, 2003|09:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'how about you' "1940's radio hour" | ] |
tomorrow is the first day of classes, and i guess i'm excited. i haven't really had a summer. one and a half weeks, that's all. i've been in show for the rest of the time. which is really great, but tiring.
it will be nice to see people. hopefully.
'1940's' is coming around. it's fast, and the harmonies are killing me in some songs, but it's coming around. i'm having a good time.
tomorrow- 9 am
see you all there. or not |
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| the ballad of peter and jeff |
[Aug. 19th, 2003|12:55 am] |
peter leaves tomorrow at 10 am. i wouldn't even have known if sarah hadn't called up and wanted to have a party at 3am tomorrow.
i was driving home from the movies and found myself at his house. he walked outside as i walked up the drivway. katie was with him. she was crying.
he isn't a phone call and 5 minutes away anymore.
and that's what is hitting me right now.
i will write him a story, and get it to him. a ballad, of sorts.
i already gave him my prayer. i hope he gets it in the morning.
a friend of mine is leaving.
i am cring. |
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| events |
[Aug. 19th, 2003|12:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
new jersey
started writing again
saw 'nine' and 'gypsy' and 'ragtime'
'pajama game'
asked natale out- not now
'1940's radio hour' began- going well
saw ;much adu'
striking shakespeare set
saw 'swimming pool' and that french girl's boobs
'dirty pretty things' with english speaking audrey
'swing' |
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| vacation!!!! |
[Jul. 29th, 2003|10:37 pm] |
i'm finally on vacation. going away to new jersey till the 9th.
going to nyc on the 6th of august and seeing 'gypsy' and 'nine.' very ecited!
see you all later. |
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| corey and i |
[Jul. 26th, 2003|04:04 pm] |
we are going date-less to this dance thing tonight. i suck. he probably didn't try very hard.
if he ends up getting a date, i'll feel like an ass.
whatever. i guess he has plans to go to le metro too, so that will be fun. |
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| cds in |
[Jul. 26th, 2003|04:04 pm] |
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'a year with frog and toad' and 'brownstone' came in today. yeah. i must listen to them. |
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| me and my buddy |
[Jul. 26th, 2003|04:01 pm] |
so i got together friday with rachel, and she took an unsene amount of pictures of me. i need a non-facial hair picture and she volenteered. sweet of her.
i was an amazingly beautiful day. first one in a real long time.
i hope they turn out.
fun times |
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